Vientiane joins New York, London, Melbourne, Hobart as newest Hot Lap host

The winners celebrate as Coach eyes off the BBQ
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The Laos Elephants are pleased to announce that the Vientiane Hot Lap has now been added to an emerging list of hot laps around the world, paying tribute to the late, great, Nick Green.  
 
‘Nick Green would not have been out of place in a pink jumper, drinking a 3 litre beer tower at BPY, so the mighty phants will pull on the pink jumpers and hit the streets of Vientiane' said Coach Hunter.
 
Hunter had a number of hot laps to choose from, but in the end went with the 3.2km course prepared by Andrew Williamson; Strength, Conditioning and Fitness Coach ‘In the end, we are a family club and I thought it would be inappropriate to end the hot lap at Don Chan Palace'.
The races commences at the ‘famous' Nam Phou Fountain and heads down past the Presidents house, hangs a left on Lane Xang where runners will head towards the beautiful Arc De Triomphe or as the plaque states ‘From a closer distance it seems even less impressive, like a monster of concrete‘, , hang another left past the buzz of the Morning Market as the vendors set up for another day of haggling , veer right, then a hard left along past Settha Palace to the National Stadium entrance, 1.5laps of stadium then exit at the opposite entrance, straight down to the mighty Mekong River, another left at Kong then back up to Nam Phou fountain.
 
http://www.nickgreenhotlap.com/locations/
 
Coach backed either defender Adam ‘Snakes' Kam...

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'Phants welcome new kid on the block

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Fresh from a gallant defeat gallant defeats at the recent Indochina Cup in Bangkok the 'Phants have entered a stage of collective soul searching.

Police enquiries to the club have increased three-fold in the last couple of weeks as members of the public have begun reporting suspicious sightings of key 'Phants personnel. One recent enquiry involved Paul Cornetto, once the darling of BOG awards, climbing to the top of Patuxay distraught after learning that another female 'Phant had won another best-off-ground award. Mr Cornetto has fled the country and hasn't been seen since boarding a bus into the highlands of PNG.

While the 'Phants have officially begun their off-season in attempt to prop-up the fledgling BeerLao brewery and follow government directives to slow work during the SEA Games some 'Phants have been hard at work recruiting to secure the 'Phants' future in ways not seen since Richmond selected both Jarred Oakley-Nicholls and Aaron Fiora with first-round picks.

The Lao Elephants would like to ophicially congratualte Wil and Bridget on the arrival of their second child, Toby Williamson. We hope for many centre clearances and forward fifty entries from the 'Phants saviour in the near future.

CONGRATUFRICKENLATIONS!

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'Phants prepare assault on the Indochina Cup

The 'Phants' preparations are always head first with clenched fists
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Despite a somewhat unorthodox preparation for the looming Indochina Cup (with many ‘Phants only taking to the track for the first time tonight), the Lao Elephants are preparing to bring back the trophy they will once again take over with them.

The playing list of the ‘Phants has taken a hit in recent months with many former champions of the club confirming they will not be able to take part in the Cup. Names like Morning Sprint-Shit Sibbers, Huntsman, the Trickster, Follet and Duncan are normally conjured when thinking about the ‘Phants' spine, however the ‘Phants will have to make do without any of these household names when they take on the Timid Tigers and Struggling Swans this weekend. Former Coach, Morning Sprint-Shit, when contacted for comments to encourage this year's new batch of ‘Phants had these stirring words:

"Go out there and live every moment like it may be your last for the ‘Phants. Many have gone before you and many will come after you, however this is your chance to make history for the mighty ‘Phants. When you hit the field in the phamous pink and grey you will be following in the footsteps of the greats of phooty. No other club in the region,  nay the world, has a history as rich as the mighty ‘Phants. When Kaysone scooped his first looseball get out of the back-pocket and slammed it on his mighty left boot onto the chest of his red prince, Suphanouv...

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Fevola stuns Asian footballing community

Brendan Fevola realises what he has given up by not raising his trunk with the 'Phants
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In a sudden reversal, Brendan Fevola, formerly of the Carlton Waterlillies, has turned his back on the Lao Elephants football club, instead choosing to join the Elephants' more maroon and southern arch-rivals.

The rivalry between two of nature's most impressive beasts has raged since the Lions unsuccessfully tried to poach Elephants back-pocket of the century Phomvihane from the affiliated Ho Chi Minh Trailblazers, in his native Savannkhet. In recent times the hostilities between the two powerhouses had begun to thaw after an extended period of Elephants domination saw them rise to the top of Asian football, thus the world. However, with recent backdoor dealings between the Lions and Fevola the rivalry appears set to explode again.

Known for his antics on and off the field, and his ability to gorge an entire cow in one sitting Fevola was hoped to go some way to the 'Phants' efforts to replace the Seppo and Marky Marks. While Seppo was a ruckman and Marky plyed his trade mainly in the midfield there were high hopes that Fevola's ability to consume enormous and humorous amounts of food and alcohol would prove a suitable replacement for the duo. These hopes were dashed when, at the end of trade-week, a deal between Carlton and the Lions was hastily thrown together, leaving the Elephants holding nothing but their own trunk in their hands.

While the exact details of the propos...

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The Missing Match Report - Game 2: Land Locked Vs Ocean Locked

Lao vs Bali

Much like an early 90s recession, this is the match report noone wanted.... but we had to have.

The Elephants second match at the 09 Asian Champs was against the tanned, buffed up Mark Occilupo's of West Lombok. Weighing in at a combined total of f!@#@#% massive kilos, these blokes looked like they'd done the odd tricep curl down on the Kuta foreshore. Even the Sepo was impressed with their massiveness and as if to say 'yeah sure you're big, but i am the reincarnation of Ganesh' ate two nearby Malaysian taxi drivers and a crate of chips just to show them who their daddy is.

Geographically and demographically Bali and Lao could not be any more different. Whereas Lao is clearly the beating heart of Asia, Bali's regional credentials are as dodgy as those of the very warm chaps from the United Arab Emirates. Discovered by the Portuguese in the Carribean in the 15th century and sold to the Indonesians a century later for a boatload of cinnamon and chives, Bali is hardly 'truly asia'. The island swarms for most of the year with the creme de la creme of Narre Warren, Rooty Hill, and Kalgoorlie - a cultural and spiritual melting pot par excellence. 

Fun yes, Debaucherous yes, but Asia????????

It was cooking in the lead-up to the game sometime mid-morning and President Fenner was already glowing like a german backpacker on a spanish beach, missing only the budgie smu...

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Game 4 – v China (brought to you by guest commentators Bourkey and Fish)

Bourkey: It'd been a pretty big day by the time this game rocked around had ‘The Fear' earlier, but now I am just pissed.

Fish: You were definitely pissed. And a tad sunburnt, should have slip, slop, slapped!

B: That's great I am getting sunscreen tips from a Redknob. Not as pissed as you.

F: Sh*t, yep, I was pissed. Still pissed from the night before, or possibly last weekend in Vang Vieng. Or sh*t, can't remember. Anyway, we've been running water all day. Hard work. Especially with a leather akubra on the old loaf of bread - didn't breathe too well.

B: Are you having a laugh? Fish!

F: Have you heard my Ivan Milat joke?

B: Yes mate, we've all heard it and you do look a bit like him. Well done.

F: Anyway, it was the last game. They'd been telling me they were fit, been doing running, but everyone was looking like they could use an oil change and new battery.

B: Apart from the old bloke, he just kept up with it. All day, yelling out: "YOU'RE MINE!", or "YOU'RE F*CKED MATE" and stuff like that. Real scary. Sorta.

F: Yeah, I offered him a beer and he said something about salts, minerals and essential irons. Gaaaawd, what the be-jesus.

B: So the last game was against this mob of assh&les. Not totally, but that Phants guy who wore his shorts really high, so high and tight you could tell his religion, he got into a scrap. Rocket. Would have taken him too. Except he ran ...

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Ex-president Sharples caught red handed rock throwing.

Sharples prior to surgery, searching for the next Santisouk Sengdara
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BREAKING NEWS

SOUTH Korean police, in one of their more heavyweight cases, are investigating whether a zoo elephant threw a stone at a woman visitor.
The woman, known as Ms Kim, told police she was visiting the zoo at the Children's Grand Park in southeast Seoul on Monday when she noticed an elephant picking up a stone with its trunk.

After she turned away from 35-year-old Taesani, she was hit on the back of her head by a large stone, several newspapers reported.

She reported the incident to police in Gwangjin district who began an investigation.

They found that the scene of the alleged assault was out of range of security cameras.

"Though Ms Kim believes the elephant threw a stone at her, it's hard to conclude that the elephant attacked her since there are neither witnesses nor evidence,'' Dong-A Ilbo newspaper quoted a police source as saying. Source: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/breaking-news/elephant-a-suspect-in-rock-throwing-case/story-e6frf7k6-1225774855212

In his fury at Australian Rules minnow South Korea's inability to challenge the greatest AFL team on the planet the Lao Elephants, inaugural founding father and President, Sharples has been caught throwing rocks at South Korean Tourists.

NB People may ask how they could not know it was him all along, however it has been well documented on this site of Sharples' close resemblance to an Elephant. When...

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Asian Champs Match Report - Game Three - Vs Vietnam

Its fair to say that on looking over the draw the week before the Champs, the Phants hierarchy, after extensive consultation with the playing group, sponsors, fitness team, physiologists, psychiatrists and a few dozen tinnies of warmed Beerlao, promptly decided that beating the HeatHeatHeat was no challenge, and that all efforts should be focused on revenging the bitter recent defeat at the hands of the Vietnam Swans.

Because anyone who is anyone in Asian Football (not called Rooster, maybe called Marty, definitely not Wil) will tell you there are really three tiers of teams. On the lower echelons are some of the also-rans, those teams that just spend hours working out in fancy gyms, pushing paper around banks and sipping cocktails on windswept 44th Floor Deck with Café del Mar DJs and a swimming pool filled with Moet and those ladies you only ever see in P-Diddy clips.

Then there's the next batch, teams that have a little talent, possibly even sporting matching kit and bags, an ex-WAFL player or 2, some good ticker and even a tentative connection to Asia so as to register at the Asian Champs.

And of course, up top in the stratosphere, there are the Swannies and the Phants: teams who clear UXO from their training ground before a Sunday training trot, have more bald men than a political journalist conference and who consider an end of season trip to be more Vang Vieng or H...

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Asian Champs Match Report One - Vs Singapore

Great Success! The Elephants have returned from their second Asian championships with another epic victory in their throbbing trunks.  On a typically steaming hot day in KL at the home of aristocratic Malaysian footy - the magnificent Polo Club, the Phants put up another history making performance to once again smash arch-rival Vietnam and come within a fu Manchu of knocking off the 1 billion + strong Chinese side.

Amongst a sea of buff investment bankers from the major Asian financial capitals (and some more geographically challenged folks from further west....) the Phants as usual stood out like the sporting equivalent of an episode of all creatures great and small. As has always been the way in Asian footy - the Phants do things just a bit differently and looked every bit the Grade 5 Steiner school PE class in comparison with our highly funded, highly gymed opponents.  

With the side already possessing the greatest jersey in world footy the Coach produced some of his finest work at the Friday jumper presentations with the unveiling of the new phants grey playing thong. These tiny polyester G-bangers straight from the catwalks of Milan gave the Phants a real air of Je ne sais quoi, prompting one impressed spectator to remark ‘Yes'. Sadly, the Sepo let down nature lovers everywhere by not taking the exciting journey into a pair of mediums.

Appearances, however can be dec...

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Did someone say "Asian Champs domination"? I'm excited!

Coach Sibree feeling for inspiration in his young calfs
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Thursday, September 3 marks the beginning of the Elephants' long march to glory. As previously chronicaled by their fabled President, Henri Le Cont, the 'Phants are going into their second Asian Champs as odds on favourites. Recently seen around town trying to nock the cock-fighting bookies off their perch, the Huntsman has been fielding offers of the 'Phants to take out the Champs at odds of 2-1. Some may suspect in a field of ten teams, of whom the 'Phants have previoulsy only beaten two, that this may be exorbitantly short, I for one am taking those odds for fear they'll be shortening even further after our first night in K.L.

When questioned about his faith in the 'Phants, the Hunstman seemed impressed with the fresh set of 'Phant legs soon to be taking the field. Indeed it was inspiring to see some of the lads having a real crack at one of the last training sessions before the upcoming matches. Leading the boys into an "inspiration hug", new recruit John Fenech (Geoff's meaner, more eleoquent younger brother) had some words of wisdom for the team:

"I love you guys, I really love you guys, and I can't wait to get out there and make my international debut with all of you because I haven't played much footy before but i'm really excited to be doing it with a bunch of top blokes, not really blokey blokes, but the kind of blokes that you can have a good chat with, I think ...

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