Police enquiries to the club have increased three-fold in the last couple of weeks as members of the public have begun reporting suspicious sightings of key 'Phants personnel. One recent enquiry involved Paul Cornetto, once the darling of BOG awards, climbing to the top of Patuxay distraught after learning that another female 'Phant had won another best-off-ground award. Mr Cornetto has fled the country and hasn't been seen since boarding a bus into the highlands of PNG.

While the 'Phants have officially begun their off-season in attempt to prop-up the fledgling BeerLao brewery and follow government directives to slow work during the SEA Games some 'Phants have been hard at work recruiting to secure the 'Phants' future in ways not seen since Richmond selected both Jarred Oakley-Nicholls and Aaron Fiora with first-round picks.

The Lao Elephants would like to ophicially congratualte Wil and Bridget on the arrival of their second child, Toby Williamson. We hope for many centre clearances and forward fifty entries from the 'Phants saviour in the near future.

CONGRATUFRICKENLATIONS!

Despite a somewhat unorthodox preparation for the looming Indochina Cup (with many ‘Phants only taking to the track for the first time tonight), the Lao Elephants are preparing to bring back the trophy they will once again take over with them.

The playing list of the ‘Phants has taken a hit in recent months with many former champions of the club confirming they will not be able to take part in the Cup. Names like Morning Sprint-Shit Sibbers, Huntsman, the Trickster, Follet and Duncan are normally conjured when thinking about the ‘Phants' spine, however the ‘Phants will have to make do without any of these household names when they take on the Timid Tigers and Struggling Swans this weekend. Former Coach, Morning Sprint-Shit, when contacted for comments to encourage this year's new batch of ‘Phants had these stirring words:

"Go out there and live every moment like it may be your last for the ‘Phants. Many have gone before you and many will come after you, however this is your chance to make history for the mighty ‘Phants. When you hit the field in the phamous pink and grey you will be following in the footsteps of the greats of phooty. No other club in the region,  nay the world, has a history as rich as the mighty ‘Phants. When Kaysone scooped his first looseball get out of the back-pocket and slammed it on his mighty left boot onto the chest of his red prince, Suphanouvong, a mighty ‘Phants legend was born. Don't go out there for personal glory or recognition; go out there for the Kaysones, the Suphanouvongs, the Sharples, the Hassetts, the Big Wils, and the Kids and those guys who gave their all so we can be in Bangkok as the reigning Indochina Champs. So let's get our pants down, put our trunks up and give Thailand and Vietnam the tusking of a life time." 

Despite some fears that this ‘Phants line up lacks the experience to mix it with the mid-level boys of Asian Phootball, this keen observer reckons that it is the perfect mix to put Bangkok's high-flyers and Vietnam's toiling workers in their place. As an aid for those commentating the games on Saturday the author has provided an example of what you will be calling: 

"Seppo contests the ruck with the aggression of a gorilla separated from its baby and manages to tap down to Wilburr; Wilburr dishes out a quick handball to (P)Henlly who does three pirouettes, baulks four players, get's a bit sunburnt standing in the sun and throws it on the boot into the forward line. Langas leading into space takes a strong mark above his head and immediately turns around looking for his hero, and Captain, Souky. Langas pops it up high in the square where Souky, preparing himself, launches onto the shoulders of three Swans and four Tigers, hovering above the ground for what feels like a eternity he stretches one hand out (the other holding an umbrella for balance), grabs the ball and pulls it to his chest. Dismounting gracefully, he does a triple summersault landing on his feet. Going back calmy to slot through his eightieth goal of the Cup, Souky looks around to the crowd, and casually boots through what must surely be ‘goal of the post-revolution period'. ‘Phants up by infinity goals."

In addition to the above run of play, look forward to seeing the likes of Mr. Orrsome, Richard Gere and John Cusack's brother: the Seanster, Mr. Fen-a-lot-a-puss, the Wombat and Aisey's Mate, all grabbing hold of the game like it's a squirrel grip.

A simple message for all those in Laos: come down to training tonight to witness one of the greatest teams ever as they prepare their assault on the Indochina Cup. A simple message for all those outside of Laos: be afraid, be very afraid.

The rivalry between two of nature's most impressive beasts has raged since the Lions unsuccessfully tried to poach Elephants back-pocket of the century Phomvihane from the affiliated Ho Chi Minh Trailblazers, in his native Savannkhet. In recent times the hostilities between the two powerhouses had begun to thaw after an extended period of Elephants domination saw them rise to the top of Asian football, thus the world. However, with recent backdoor dealings between the Lions and Fevola the rivalry appears set to explode again.

Known for his antics on and off the field, and his ability to gorge an entire cow in one sitting Fevola was hoped to go some way to the 'Phants' efforts to replace the Seppo and Marky Marks. While Seppo was a ruckman and Marky plyed his trade mainly in the midfield there were high hopes that Fevola's ability to consume enormous and humorous amounts of food and alcohol would prove a suitable replacement for the duo. These hopes were dashed when, at the end of trade-week, a deal between Carlton and the Lions was hastily thrown together, leaving the Elephants holding nothing but their own trunk in their hands.

While the exact details of the proposed deal between Carlton and the Elephants has not been made completely clear, President Henri Le Cont did go public with his displeasure at how the deal turned out.

"Don't they know who we are and what we do? Didn't they see the way Roddy Rod Rod McGee was gonna knock that China Reds bloke's head off? If they don't think we're going to treat the whole Lions playing list the same way when we meet them next time they've got another thing coming. We were willing to provide 2 SHLBs, the highest Issan territory draft pick from the Nana Plaza draft and one night free of charge at the Mekong Hotel. We were willing to provide all this for a man who allegedly plays football. Laos is a small community, don't they know how taking Fevola could effect our reputation? We were going to do the Carlton Football Club a favour with this trade."

In response, the AFL's most dildo wearing player has been coy about what tempted him away from the Pink and Gray. Speculation however, has been rife that Fevola was dismayed when learning that BeerLao only had two breweries and instead thought his future might better lay in the haven of Bundaberg Rum.

Whatever the reason for Fevola's backdooring of the Elephants, the Elephants have resolved not to take it lying down. While the Elephants and the Lions won't open official hostilities until around the middle of next year, the Elephants have resolved to send a message to the footballing world when they take the field during the Indochina Cup on November 28 in Bangkok.

Much like an early 90s recession, this is the match report noone wanted.... but we had to have.

The Elephants second match at the 09 Asian Champs was against the tanned, buffed up Mark Occilupo's of West Lombok. Weighing in at a combined total of f!@#@#% massive kilos, these blokes looked like they'd done the odd tricep curl down on the Kuta foreshore. Even the Sepo was impressed with their massiveness and as if to say 'yeah sure you're big, but i am the reincarnation of Ganesh' ate two nearby Malaysian taxi drivers and a crate of chips just to show them who their daddy is.

Geographically and demographically Bali and Lao could not be any more different. Whereas Lao is clearly the beating heart of Asia, Bali's regional credentials are as dodgy as those of the very warm chaps from the United Arab Emirates. Discovered by the Portuguese in the Carribean in the 15th century and sold to the Indonesians a century later for a boatload of cinnamon and chives, Bali is hardly 'truly asia'. The island swarms for most of the year with the creme de la creme of Narre Warren, Rooty Hill, and Kalgoorlie - a cultural and spiritual melting pot par excellence. 

Fun yes, Debaucherous yes, but Asia????????

It was cooking in the lead-up to the game sometime mid-morning and President Fenner was already glowing like a german backpacker on a spanish beach, missing only the budgie smugglers and scorpions tshirt. Aisey, with impressive amounts of neck fur had been awarded the prestigious 'hairiest elephant 09' leaving 08 winner Wil distraught. This was not the only change from 08 with a much more refined, professional Phants unit on display - Snakes, showing maturity beyond his years had not yet passed out, nor urinated in public. The Dodger had only had 7 beers, Langas had only had 7 massages, Phil had only had 7 ciggies, and Souk had only collected 7 showbags. prophukinpheshonal. 

The game as I remember it was a cracker, a classic, a ball-tearer, timeless. For memory the beach bums kicked a couple before the phants banged through their first of the day courtesy of a Liam Jurrahasque 60 metre bomb from the phants own Walpiri wonderkid Liam ....um, Liam. Bang. Goal. Phants on the board. The beginning of something special.

When the siren rang the Geckos were up for memory, but not by much and the phants were gaining some momentum. Phisay was likely best on the ground in this one courtesy of a magic moment in the centre of the ground when he took on 1, 2 ,3 , 4 , 5 ,6 ,7 would be Gecko tacklers in one of the great phant moments of all time. At least thats how i remember it.

As has been well documented in global footy musings, the only real game of the day was the next one v the Swannies. 

Fish: You were definitely pissed. And a tad sunburnt, should have slip, slop, slapped!

B: That's great I am getting sunscreen tips from a Redknob. Not as pissed as you.

F: Sh*t, yep, I was pissed. Still pissed from the night before, or possibly last weekend in Vang Vieng. Or sh*t, can't remember. Anyway, we've been running water all day. Hard work. Especially with a leather akubra on the old loaf of bread - didn't breathe too well.

B: Are you having a laugh? Fish!

F: Have you heard my Ivan Milat joke?

B: Yes mate, we've all heard it and you do look a bit like him. Well done.

F: Anyway, it was the last game. They'd been telling me they were fit, been doing running, but everyone was looking like they could use an oil change and new battery.

B: Apart from the old bloke, he just kept up with it. All day, yelling out: "YOU'RE MINE!", or "YOU'RE F*CKED MATE" and stuff like that. Real scary. Sorta.

F: Yeah, I offered him a beer and he said something about salts, minerals and essential irons. Gaaaawd, what the be-jesus.

B: So the last game was against this mob of assh&les. Not totally, but that Phants guy who wore his shorts really high, so high and tight you could tell his religion, he got into a scrap. Rocket. Would have taken him too. Except he ran out of breath.

F: I ran him over a beer. He was pretty wrapped. Then I ran Langas a beer. The big unit finished clean off and then just smashed the can on his bicep and ran off. Gaawssssh, massive rig.

B: EPIC. So the boys did pretty well in the last game. Rallied a bit, got a few touches, wrapped a few goals, though Marty couldn't kick again and Thommo was looking a bit out of touch playing with a footy that had Arial on it. He was fuming.

F: So I ran him a beer.

B: Good one.

F: That President got a few more touches; Huntsman did some good; everyone had a crack; Rodger kept sinking tinnies on the bench. Merciless.

B: Ran them a beer as well. Had one myself. Smashed.

F: We nearly had them, those red buggers. Some inspirational words at half time, that old fella Hollywood talking about dams and being dammed, I don't know, but it got ‘em revved up. The Phants came out storming, looking like the front row punters at a Boxing Day sale at Bunnings.

B: Mark was limbering up by now for his eating stanza, just adjusting the gut to ensure maximum capacity. Cow-a-bunga looming large in his mind.

F: That ex-Pres missed a few more, perhaps not aided by his wingnut. Ah, what a great day. Another beer, then let's head to the beach.

B: The beach? Its miles away.

F: No..'The Beach'

B: Righto! Don't forget to Slip, Slop, Slap!

F: Keep the dream alive Bourkey.

B: You too Fish.

SOUTH Korean police, in one of their more heavyweight cases, are investigating whether a zoo elephant threw a stone at a woman visitor.
The woman, known as Ms Kim, told police she was visiting the zoo at the Children's Grand Park in southeast Seoul on Monday when she noticed an elephant picking up a stone with its trunk.

After she turned away from 35-year-old Taesani, she was hit on the back of her head by a large stone, several newspapers reported.

She reported the incident to police in Gwangjin district who began an investigation.

They found that the scene of the alleged assault was out of range of security cameras.

"Though Ms Kim believes the elephant threw a stone at her, it's hard to conclude that the elephant attacked her since there are neither witnesses nor evidence,'' Dong-A Ilbo newspaper quoted a police source as saying. Source: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/breaking-news/elephant-a-suspect-in-rock-throwing-case/story-e6frf7k6-1225774855212

In his fury at Australian Rules minnow South Korea's inability to challenge the greatest AFL team on the planet the Lao Elephants, inaugural founding father and President, Sharples has been caught throwing rocks at South Korean Tourists.

NB People may ask how they could not know it was him all along, however it has been well documented on this site of Sharples' close resemblance to an Elephant. When he formed the Lao Elephants he had his ears surgically enlarged (just look at them), and rumours have it that after the recent successful Asian Championships he and ex Coach Hasset went via Na Na Palace in Bangkok to have their trunks enlarged as well. Current President Fenner has offered to travel to Na Na Palace with sexitary general Snakes next weekend to investigate. More news to follow...

Because anyone who is anyone in Asian Football (not called Rooster, maybe called Marty, definitely not Wil) will tell you there are really three tiers of teams. On the lower echelons are some of the also-rans, those teams that just spend hours working out in fancy gyms, pushing paper around banks and sipping cocktails on windswept 44th Floor Deck with Café del Mar DJs and a swimming pool filled with Moet and those ladies you only ever see in P-Diddy clips.

Then there's the next batch, teams that have a little talent, possibly even sporting matching kit and bags, an ex-WAFL player or 2, some good ticker and even a tentative connection to Asia so as to register at the Asian Champs.

And of course, up top in the stratosphere, there are the Swannies and the Phants: teams who clear UXO from their training ground before a Sunday training trot, have more bald men than a political journalist conference and who consider an end of season trip to be more Vang Vieng or Hoi An than Ibiza.

Yes, teams that matter. The life blood of Far Far Far East Asian AFL.

And so it was that a grudge match to rival the greats of sport - Tyson/Hollyfield, Navratalova/Llloyd, Eddy ‘The Eagle' Edwards/Fear - entered another fateful round at the Champs. Game 3. Phants v Swannies.

Over the luncheon interval, when James 'Bolt' Cannell produced a Dean Capabianco scorcher to place second in the 107.5m dash, the Phants needed to look deep inside themselves after having been thumped already a few times and the Swannies outfit that rolled us last month in Hanoi had a few new additions that looked a tad handy. After weeks of bookings, trainings, font changes, discussion, a few 1000 emails, some more font advice, some not-talk-about waxings and finally arrival in KL, could we muster at least a victory that we could drink to into the wee hours of the night?

Now this scribe is a little lost on specifics for the game, hence some rather verbose introductory paragraphs, so I'll cut to the chase. In the words of Paul Keating, this was the "sweetest victory of all", largely because we didn't have any other victories for the day.

There were no best for this game, because after a few crushing defeats, the mighty Phants team in those mighty designer shorts and revered jumpers of Pink, for just a few minutes, stopped everyone laughing at our mighty shorts. They kept laughing again later, but importantly they stopped. For a second. I heard them. Honest.

From the go, the Coach had the Phants brethren more fired up than Pat Benetar on a bender and everything just did fall in line. Echoing the mantra that we indeed do live and learn from our mistakes, across the ground, Phants turned a new leaf and swarmed on the Swannies with an intensity not seen since our trunks were last raised in Cambodia. Hanoi redemption was in the air - the deepest cuts weren't gonna be healed by just faith, oh no, sorry Pat, not this time. Debutant Kent (apologies for the error last time: Ed) created Daicos-like magic in front of goal to slot two and the Phants were away.

To be frank, I could list a string of players that may have had a few touches and been influential, but I can't really remember so bugger it. At one stage I think I saw someone picking one of the large wedgies I'd seen for the Championships, but can't remember who. A few big units threw it out there, reaching out with both hands, moving like meteorites. But reflecting now, a touch misty eyed, I just recall pondering the scene from the half back flank one moment and seeing a haze of Pink, that most feared jumper of Asian footy, herding together, stomp to stomp, pack to pack, holding back attacks and like a good Phant with a full trunk of energy, thrusting forward ceaselessly again.

It was moving. It was magic. It was our only victory, but it tasted like a title.

Phants by a few goals.

Could China be next?

Amongst a sea of buff investment bankers from the major Asian financial capitals (and some more geographically challenged folks from further west....) the Phants as usual stood out like the sporting equivalent of an episode of all creatures great and small. As has always been the way in Asian footy - the Phants do things just a bit differently and looked every bit the Grade 5 Steiner school PE class in comparison with our highly funded, highly gymed opponents.  

With the side already possessing the greatest jersey in world footy the Coach produced some of his finest work at the Friday jumper presentations with the unveiling of the new phants grey playing thong. These tiny polyester G-bangers straight from the catwalks of Milan gave the Phants a real air of Je ne sais quoi, prompting one impressed spectator to remark ‘Yes'. Sadly, the Sepo let down nature lovers everywhere by not taking the exciting journey into a pair of mediums.

Appearances, however can be deceiving and as is the norm the Elephants bonded like only a group of 5 tonne probiscadae can, trunks a swinging, ears aloft, stomp stomp stomp....

Game 1 - Lao Elephants versus Singapore Wombats

The Phants first game of the day was with the formidable pre-tournament co-favourites the Singapore Wombats. Always a powerhouse of Asian football the Wombats came in with an impressively massive squad somewhere in the vicinity of the population of Lao. With more sponsorship behind them than Laotian annual GDP this was real David and Goliath stuff. Or perhaps more  pertinently - Lee Kuan Yew versus Kaisone Phomvihane, the two contrasting faces of modern Asia. Could the youthful exuberance of the young pink socialists match the calculated, measured, disciplined footy of the non chewers of gum from the island state?

Things were lively from the bounce and within 2 minutes the Phants were in serious injury trouble. First Frenchy dislocated his shoulder in a spear tackle, then the coach copped a ripper in the face trunk, before Phil  went down with a osteitis shoulderus. The coach in particular looked bad with blood pissing from his face trunk and he himself as delirious as Eddy Murphy in a red vinyl suit. The ex-coach told him to harden up and eat a mouth full of concrete but even that didn't help. Things looked bad......

Meanwhile on field the Phants were having a real dip. Sepo was winning taps, the prez was in amongst it and the new n' improved 09 model snakes was looking a million kip.  As usual Wil selfishly dived to the bottom of each and every pack. If ever there was a bloke that needed to prove himself to his teammates it's Andrew. Time and time again when the opportunity to stand back and get an easy handball receive was on the cards Wil narcissistically threw himself in on top opposition players.

All four Lao players- Captain Souk, Vice Captain Sai, and the two debutants Phisay and Boy performed very well against Singapore and throughout the whole day. These four are the future of footy in the PDR.  The Elephants were the only side in the champs with indigenous players in their squad with four Lao players pulling on the pink and grey - a 100% increase from last year. Souk's disappointment at the lack of umbrellas in the game day show bags was short-lived as not for the first time in his distinguished career he became the most successful Lao captain of all time.

Debutants Tricky, Lukey, Willo, and Barnsy adapted quickly to the frenetic pace of Asian football and all put in great performances. Our defence stood up magnificently against the torrent of Bat attacks.  The Huntsman and Thommo provided stability in the face of repeated quick balls forward proving that there is life in a post Bruce Knox world.

Noone kept score for this game but its likely in the end that the Bats just got up. The performance against the Singaporean sea of humanity was admirable and the Phants could hold their trunks up high going into game 2 against the Bali Geckos.

Game 2 to follow shortly....

When questioned about his faith in the 'Phants, the Hunstman seemed impressed with the fresh set of 'Phant legs soon to be taking the field. Indeed it was inspiring to see some of the lads having a real crack at one of the last training sessions before the upcoming matches. Leading the boys into an "inspiration hug", new recruit John Fenech (Geoff's meaner, more eleoquent younger brother) had some words of wisdom for the team:

"I love you guys, I really love you guys, and I can't wait to get out there and make my international debut with all of you because I haven't played much footy before but i'm really excited to be doing it with a bunch of top blokes, not really blokey blokes, but the kind of blokes that you can have a good chat with, I think those are probably the best kind of guys to get to know and I know that it'll probably put us in good stead when we take the field and the other teams are really rough but we're able to treat them as equals, i think that might make them take it a bit easy on us and that way we can have a really good time and maybe even score a goal or two but i'm really only there to have a good time with my new mates and I hope all of you guys are there to have a good time too because I reckon this will be a real good time."

It is scenes like this that has the Hunstsman impressed with current Coach Sibree, and his calfs' odd pre-match preparation.

While this will be only the second time the 'Phants have taken to the field in ten months, the Asian Champs promises to see the rise of the Laos Elephants. Make sure you book your front row ticket to paradise.

We have drawn ARCH nemesis Vietnam in our draw along with some fat, snuffling singaporese wombats, surfer dude Balinese gecko's, and the red river Chinese Team. Elephants rise, show your trunks, here we come... STOMP STOMP STOMP

The President now holds the record for the fastest time, and highest finish for a Lao Elephants President in this inaugural race. When asked how he felt about this significant accomplishment he responded ‘stomp stomp, phosow, stomp stomp'. These meaningful words resonated throughout Asian football world, sort of.

In the entire, glorious history of the LPDRFC - the greatest club on earth, and in all probability the universe - never has one game of AFL been so eagerly awaited, longed-for, dreamed of, emailed about, commented upon, talked up, drowned down, emailed about some more, ignored, cancelled, emailed about a bit more and then finally provisionally scheduled so that some further commenting and emailing could occur and Thommo could approve and authorize the font used in the team sheet to finalise particulars and specifics. Indeed, a fierce and competitive 9 month pre-season that would keep even the Wantirna U15s on their toes had seen some being literally left behind, fatigued and exhausted at Barrys after a parma to such an extent that female reinforcements were needed to be called upon to ensure that every young Phant could make it home, given the intensity of the SVKT practice games and trips.

And so it was that a healthy squad of 20 Pachyderm brethrens journeyed to the sweaty, sultry climes of the little town on the Red River to tackle the Vietnam Swans in the latest Phant international friendly on 8 August 2009.

In what can only be described as conditions that would rival the recent 2009 World Sauna Championships (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Sauna_Championships, where interesting the Finns were knocked off their double-gold perch by the Rampaging Russian Tatyana ‘The Human Inferno' Arkhipenko), a quick pre-game inspection of the pitch resulted in nearly 112 tons of rock, brick, metal, and a marketable quantity of aluminum bottle-tops being removed from the field proper. MMG is said to be eyeing off a partnership to exploit any reserves.

After the ceremonial presentation of jumpers to new recruits, numbering a health 7 (c'mon down Aisey, Rory, Tricky, Mark, Phisay, Julius and Ant), a ceremony that has more tradition, meaning and downright pinkness than anything to rival Punter tossing a new baggy green to a fresh young pup at Lords at 9.47am as the clouds clear, it was time for some rather moving and meaningful words from the Australian Ambassador to Vietname, His Excellency Allaster Cox, to commemorate the recent tragic events in Jakarta, in particular the loss of Craig Sengar, an Austrade employee and Jakarta Bintang. The players and attendees observed a moment silence to reflect on the joys and potential pitfalls of the ex-pat life, before it was officially game time.

From the first bounce with a 14 man formation, and kicking with a slight breeze worth probably 2 chicko rolls, the Phants came out busting down doors like Barry Hall looking for a fight with a bloke who asked to see his murkin. The blazing Pres was on fire early, sweeping packs like Luke Hodge in Cameron Ling's body, the Trickster started to rhino a few opposing players and ‘The Duck' Langas was up like an Everyready battery and kicked truly from a tightish angle to get the Phants on the board. With Frenchy, Huntsman and Typeface Thommo showing their usual epicness in shutting out the Swans attacks, it was out to an 8 point lead at quarter time for the Phants, though the Swans were hanging in well, with their interchange of 47 players working overtime to keep fresh legs on the (quasi-)turf.

The second term saw more of the same, with the Phants kicking into the breeze, which had freshened and was now approaching a moderate whimper. Phisay, Souky and Sai all started to get involved in the game, Phisay in particular putting his chassis under the floating ball and taking some marks in a fantastic first-game display that will surely lead him to a potential Captains coup come KL (?), while the newly hirsute Snakes started to get some deft touches through the centre. Up forward, newest recruit Ant showed more toe than Matt ‘Swing-a-ling' Shirvington at the Stawell Gift on EPO in ‘94 to run down a dancing Swan and earn a shot for the big sticks. Boom-Boom and Aisey were trying their hardest against Draw the Atlas, while Cornetto, Marky Mark and Ferrari started to gain some touches against the Swans who had decided to chuck a few extra units on the pitch without telling anyone, let alone us or the Ump. Again, Pres was instrumental, and having recently returned from an extensive ballroom dancing tour of Southern France, put the skills to good use by flipping 4 baulks, 2 dummy handballs, faked a couple of air-kisses to the onlooking phou-saos and threw a Bolshoi-esque pirouette to march past a few gutsy looking Swans and kick the goal of the day, if not in Phants history. Half-time - Phants by a few goals, looking just ok. However, there were some troubling signs - a complete lack of talk amongst the Gentlephants resulting in at least 3 instances of blokes spoiling eachother in easy marking contests and the resulting turnovers ending in scores for the Swans.

After sucking in some gulps of humidified O2 and a few stirring words of encouragement and the odd bite of Snickers, the third-term was one the Phants would probably prefer to forget. The Swans, to their credit, came out having a real crack, their on-ballers and forwards first to the pill and working better as a team. Despite some heroics from Wil the Masochist who was now running his third marathon for the day and acting like a steel spring from Gallipoli, and Langas taking some good grabs mid-field, for a solid 8-10 minutes, the ball was stuck in the Swan forward line as they peppered the goals but, thankfully, had the accuracy of Buddy with a bung eye and a Ice hangover to keep the Phants in the running by kicking just 2, bringing them within a couple of points of the mighty men in Pink. Only a steadying goal late in the term from Cranium Coach kept the Phants ahead at the final change. This was going to the wire....

With the wind at their backs, the Swanies came out again hard in the final stanza, threw the ‘full meat and three veg' along with the Weber at the smaller, tiring Phants, some of whom had started to think a bit to hard about pick up lines for the Jim Bean Cowgirls for later that eve. The Coach committed the blunder of the day and let a 4 foot 9 inch Swans out-mark him at point blank in the goal square to hand them the Swanies one on a platter (Thommo, however, never said a word about it), while around the ground, the extra interchange men started to really pay dividends as the Swans pressed and pressed as the Pinks tired. Against the run of play, Aisey plucked a goal for the Pachyderms to keep us ahead by over a kick, the opportunity appearing like a sighting of the Virgin Mary with milk streaming from eye in a grotto in a Spanish-speaking cuidad. "Could they hold on?" the gathering crowd of 12 people and a dog whispered as Wil picked up possie 47? With about 5 minutes to go, the sun giving everyone a medium-rare skintone and the pitch as hard as a Coober Pedy third day wicket, the Swans stole the lead for the first time all afternoon from a set shot 25m out, to shoot 4 points ahead....the boys rallied, Hunstman demolishing a few packs and delivering a few encouraging slaps on excessive derrieres and the Phants tried with gusto to steal back the win, but alas, to no avail as the hooter sounded. Swans by 4 points.

It was a cracking game, one worthy of teams that have now played 5 games against eachother, with the Swans edging the Phants out 3-2 on the win-loss record. Despite some solid performances, especially from BOG Pres, Wil, Rory, Phisay and Snakes, the Phants never looked like a unit, and the lack of men on the bench played into the Swannies hands who had a squad nearing 30 players. Clearly, this will be key in KL. The team as a whole needs to lift its work-rate and get to more contests, as we didn't play well on the confined spaces of the small pitch. However, most importantly, Coach will be instituting some ‘Hear yee, hear yee' City Crier-style classes over the Mekong for all KL attendees, in a bid to get the old Phant vocal chords in use on the ground - it was dead quiet all day.

Despite this, and putting things in perspective, we were up all day against a team that was significantly bigger, had more AFL experience and has been around for a lot longer than the LPDRFC; if we used out first half advantage well, the game was over at half time - there's a lot of positives to take away here.

In all, a cracking weekend was had. The Swans once again put on a great itinerary and Willy kept a few boys involved in his nocturnal affairs, always pleasing. As KL looms large, there is a really strong base to build a great showing at the Champs, and learn from the narrow defeat.

Despite a long stuggle to get on the international field again, the Phants are brissling with the type of enthusiasm that only a bunch of young Phants taking on some significantly older, larger Swans can be. Pres is even returning from a month-long wine and cheese purchasing tour through the Loire Valley to have a dip.

First bounce at the incredibly sensible and heat-restricted hour of 12pm, Xuan La Stadium, West Lake Road, Ciputra. The match is a memorial game in honour of Austrade Trade Commissioner, Mr Craig Senger, who died in the recent bombings in Jakarta. Craig was a passionate member of the Bintangs and Australian Embassy and other staff in Hanoi are attendint the game as a tribute.

Coach has put forward the starting line up:

B: Thommo Frenchy

HB: Phil Hunstman Pres

C: Sai Snakes Mark

HF: Langas Tricky

F: Souk (It's) Aisey (fwd rucking)

Foll: Boris (floating kick behind) Wil Coach

I/C: Julius Phisay Roger Pauly others x 2 (hope so...)

Go Pants!

The history of the sport of AFL in the Lao PDR is a mixture of drama, passion, heroic ambition, nudity, betrayal, more nudity, courage, occasional forays into the sporting arena, yet more nudity, and downright awesomeness.

 The Laotian Monarchs were the dominant force in Asian Football pre-1975. Revolutionary leader and future President of the nation Kaisone Phomvihane led the charge at first as a nuggety back pocket during the glorious 1952 - 1961 streak of SEA games titles, and then as one of the most effective and ruthless administrators the game has ever seen. Kaisone's defection from Australian Rules to Petanque in 1975 is generally viewed as the darkest moment in the history of the sport in the country. The abject rejection and banning of the sport by the revolution caused many in the football mad southern provinces of Attapeu, Champasak, and Sekong to take their footy underground, the consequences of which were devastating due to the lack of air down there.

The discovery of the Elephant in 1986 turned both the scientific community and Laotian sport on its head. To hail the discovery of these 5 tonne probiscidea, the Revolutionary party immediately launched the New Economic Mechanism and once again legalized the playing of Australian Rules football in the PDR. This victory for the sport was however short-lived. Veteran Party cadres, believing that footy was a bit girly sent hundreds of young players off to the re-education camps of Houaphanh where even the mention of the word ‘Jakovich' resulted in one hundred lashes followed by 100 hours straight of forced petanque. This torture was too much to bear for some, but the dream of once again drop punting from 50 helped many brave souls through the long, cold nights.

A pre-condition of Lao's entry into ASEAN in 1997 was that all Australian Rules players be released from detention. No country lobbied harder for this than football crazy Myanmar who joined the regional bloc in the same year. While the rest of Asia begged the altruistic Burmese to join ASEAN, the one conditionality of the Junta was the release of all remaining footy players in Lao. The Junta (big Saints fans) stated categorically that ‘the detention of young men in Laos with the ability to kick accurately on both feet is an international travesty and a breach of human rights'. Burma's lead role in the release of the 1959 SEA Games championship side from their petanque inspired nightmare led many in the international community to cry for a nobel peace prize for President Than Shwe.

Following a decade of relative quiet, in 2007 the dark past of the world's greatest game in the People's Democratic Republic was finally put to rest. In May of that year, five men with a vision of themselves plus between 5 and 11 more men wearing pink jumpers chasing pigskin around a field of sand in dense South-East Asian tropical heat met in front Asia's one true architectural masterpiece Don Chan Palace on a day that would change not only their fates, but the fate of the nation. Don Chan Palace, the club's birthplace, now a UNESCO world heritage site, is widely regarded as the most sacred sight on planet earth. It is on this spot that the Lao Elephants were formed on May 26^th (possibly the 27^th) 2007.

Since their formation the Elephants have gone from strength to strength, to relative weakness, back to strength, then to super strength at which point they were able to win their first game on their 7^th attempt. Now 11 matches into history the ledger stands at 5 - 6, with recent form as good as any in the Asia Pacific region (with the exception of the Peruvian Conquistadores who haven't lost a game since 1563

The Lao Elephants are currently ‘Kings of the Mekong' and have their sights set on the Asian Championships this coming September.

One awesome history.