Phants Wallace Talks Breakdown
19 May 2009, 08:10pm Posted by Marty
Click to enlarge photo.The Elephants board have rejected a proposal from Terry Wallace's manager that 'plough' join the phants as High Performance Manager leading into the Asian Football Championships in KL later this year.
President Fenner revealed to a packed scrum of local media this morning that talks had stalled following uncertainty surrounding Wallace's future at Richmond. In his statement Fenner made it clear that the Phants are very pleased with the early season performance of rookie coach Sibree, and that the discussions with Wallace were about additional support for Sibree in recognition of the obvious challenges involved in replacing super coach Hollywood Hassett - club co-founder currently banished to the Berra for his role in the Mahasot 'unpleasantness', the murky details of which have only just surfaced (see below*).
The President also made it very clear that the talks with Wallace had absolutely nothing to do with the Phants near poaching of Ben's cousin Ben Cousins leading into last years Asian Championships. As reported at the time the club was just one empty meth lab short of the great coup in recruting history.
Fenner confirmed that the Wallace discussions had predominantly been held by ex-president Sharples who is currently working on his new rap album in Canberra 'My balls are totally frozen' and encouraging more people in Ostraylya to get involved in the great sport of Australian Rules . In a last ditch effort for secrecy Sharples took Wallace to the Solomon Islands last week for a spot of whale harpooning and to go over the final details and as late as yesterday the agreement looked set.
Fenner refused to elaborate on what had gone wrong saying only, "On reflection, we have been barking up the wrong tree. There is nothing that plough can offer us. Plough's greatest coaching attribute is to turn good teams mediocre, before turning mediocre sides shithouse. The Elephants dont dont do mediocre... or shithouse for that matter. Sure we've done them both but we're going for a new kind of vibe these days'
In an interesting aside, we can confirm now that Wallace has rejected a 50 year head coach position offered by the Thailand Tigers saying that he will only ever coach north of the Mekong, or south of Jolimont.
Or anywhere else where there's a contract going.
*The Mahasot Unpleasantness:
Hassett on the night before his departure from Lao, detirmined to preserve his Tom Hafeyesque physique fed the Doc Sai with enough sherberts to cover Brendan Fevola's entire chin (approx 41sqkm) and after breaking into the Mahasot forced the young Doc to perform a ludicrously complicated 10 hour hamstring replacement surgery using 4 coathangers and a handful of pokemon figurines. Despite the Doc's pleading that surgery is not covered in first year Medicine Hassett was relentless in his pursuit of mid leg beauty. It was only when the police charged the building was Sai saved and Hassett send bags a packed on his merry way to Belconnen
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