Phants Blog

OPEN INVITATION TO BEN COUSINS TO REPRESENT THE ELEPHANTS AT THE ASIAN CHAMPS

Click to enlarge photo.

Dear Ben Cousins,

On behalf of the people of the Lao PDR i would like to invite you to represent the Lao Elephants at the upcoming Asian Australian Rules Football Championships in Singapore on September 6th. We know that this is your year off, your year of 'leisure' if you will, but we also know that deep down you have always wanted to represent the mighty pink and grey. On the rare occassion you have been photographed with a shirt on it is often in a pink polo shirt, which mixes perfectly with those grey morning eyes.

You know Laos yes? Situated between Thailand, China and Bhutan, we have a proud footballing tradition and a history of having a "really really good time at parties". Ive seen your resume, and I think their could be a good match between your fine self and the best team in the PDR.

What'd you say Ben? Up the Elephants?

Yours,

President.

Lao Elephants

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Ancient drum recently found in Khammoune province actually an ancient half-time siren

During a recent visit to document the re-emergence of Australian Rules Football in the Lao PDR in the form of the first home match this century involving the Lao Elephants and the Jakarta Bintangs, Professor Aamon Flannery OAM took the opportunity to visit Lao National Museum and was astonished to find an ancient bronze drum.

An almost speechless Professor Flannery revealed that the drum was almost identical to those used by Australian tribesman as a half time siren in the pre-history era.  Strikingly similar to drums used by Australian Tribes during ancient Australian Football matches, the drum stands 79cm high and is 100cm in width.  While heavily faded the etchings could be either young men in sleeveless pink shirts astride elephants or small frogs. 

“It is widely accepted that Australian Football was prominent across South East Asia prior to tectonic activity” said the professor at a hastily arranged press conference following the Lao Elephants narrow defeat to Jakarta on April 19.

Cave art in Australia is thought to depict these ancient matches.  “one piece shows a collection of men chasing a ball next to a large river – on close inspection it appears that there are elephants and wombats frolicking in the water in the background” remarked the Professor.

This latest development ties nicely with the recent analysis of genetic biologist Brian Roberts who c...

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COACH HASSETT CLEARED, COUNTRY BREATHES COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF

Coach Hassett has been cleared of any charges of possessing or exporting ivory (see earlier story), leading to scenes of unprecedented national relief throughout the PDR. As it turns out the alleged 200kg of ivory under the Coach's mansion were plastic halloween fangs with uncanny similarity to elephant tusks that were being saved by Chris Manley for his next assault on a dress up party.

Manley is mistaken for an elephant at least once a week in Vientiane.

When asked to comment Hassett mumbled "I love elephants, I love elephants, I love elephants, I love elephants, I love elephants, I love elephants, I love elephants, I love elephants, I love elephants", giving us all an insight into the profoundly deep thinking of the great coach.

Let it be said that for now and for all time - at the Lao Elephants we all love Elephants.

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COACH HASSETT IN IVORY SCANDAL, DENIES ANY INVOLVEMENT

Coach Hassett of the Lao Elephants has vehemently denied any knowledge of the 200kg of ivory found under his Vientiane mansion earlier this week. According to club sources the coach has distanced himself from the ivory, pointing his finger squarely at members of the visiting Jakarta Bintangs who recently graced his 19 bedroom house for petanque, boule, bocce, and scones during their tour of indochina. Hassett, a self-confessed lover of all things pachyderm was visibly shaken when confronted about the find but has suggested that his accusers should "go and @@#$@ a big #!**# with a @#$@@*" if they think he would be involved in anything to do with such a disturbing find.

Hassett has been the coach of the Lao Elephants since June 2007. He is one of the co-founders of the club and if found guilty shockwaves would resonate throughout Asian football. As a footballer Hassett's career has been shaped by a hatred of failure, a lack of success, and an inability to grow hamstrings. Brash, outspoken, occasionally brilliant, and always ready to call a spade a shovel, Hassett began his career as a bratty 4 year old in freezing Canberra where as a child footballer he enjoyed pulling opponents hair and throwing ever-present Canberra snow into their faces. As an adult he was suspended for a record 83 matches in a 200 game career, and alas to this day a best and fairest has avoided him. As co...

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ALLEGATIONS THAT LAO ELEPHANTS MASCOT AFRICAN ELEPHANT, NOT ASIAN...IN ACTUAL FACT HALF WOMBAT

The Lao Wildlife Conservation Society has suggested to team management that the Elephant used on the front of the Lao Elephants famous pink and grey guernseys is in fact an African Elephant (which are considerably larger than their Asian cousins, with full grown males weighing in at about 7 tonnes as compared with the mere 5 tonne of an Asian male) The Elephant from the jumper was of course lifted from the guernsey of one of the powerhouses of Romanian Softball - The East Bucharest Asian Elephants, so this news came as a big surprise to team management.

To clear the good name of the club the Elephants have employed an international consultant to investigate the claim with the startling dicovery that the Lao Elephant depicted on the jumper is actually a hybred cross between an Asian Elephant and South-East Australian wombat. David Attenborough is said to be very very interested in doing a documentary on said Elebat Womphant (elefantus wombatius).

Club mascot Sunny Forsyth was quoted as saying "wow".

Elephants are not, and never have been, native to Romania.

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